Balance

its not getting any easier.

i know i should at least be happy: i finished the book, just a few edits and then collecting all the pledges from my patrons who believe in my madness, who believe in my art.

Long, long ago, i had an idea that this life of art that i decided upon would not be easy. First of all, i am crazy, and i thought that was gonna make things easier.

been on the binge again. the bad kind. reminds me of T. Reznor's "Downward Spiral".

and afterwards, i go on, escaping everything. As it is dark down down there where the ghosts of my shame and pain dwell, i go there, out there...attempting to be an escape artist..out there where the light always shine, where everything seems fine...

Dark. Light. Wish i could find that little space between those words.

Balance. Thats what i need. The halfway shelter between my heaven and my hell...perhaps if i could find it, i could make sense of all that has been happening and give my fledging powers to the art demanded from me...

...but honestly, i used to have that balance, that sense of peace..of belonging..in her arms...

...but the ghost of those whom i-love-who-have-abandoned-me are still there....

and i vowed that as i love women, i would not add one more name to the list...one more name might just kill me...

there is a god, and if only i believed that he would do something if i bribed him with enough prayers...well...

but as one friend told me "we worship a mad god who drives us crazy before destroying us"...

hmmm...my kind of god.

amen.

fuck.