Confessions : A Letter to Quesalina + I Resign

A Letter for Quesalina

Quesalina,

Will you find it odd, or something to be mad about, or sad perhaps, that in the end, it was your sarong, your shawl that was with me.

I have to admit I did not think this would be so. But that is irrelevant now. The day is nearly over, and here I am, garbed in the cloth that was suppose to take the place of your arms in your distant absence.

Absent as you are now, absent as you have been for a long time now.

Sometimes, I tell myself that it was a dream, a very beautiful dream, so vivid that even now, I can still recall the colors and flavors of you.

Perhaps it was a dream.

Indeed, it must have been a dream. Inscribed on the edge of this shawl are words so much like the dust that dreams must be made of. So much like you, Quesalina. For you, too, have always been a dream, and through all those times I held you, you wore another name.

Quesalina, I do not know the proper semantics of goodbye. Nor do I desire to say so. Allow me then, to make it like this:

To Quesalina, the most glorious of all my stars, in daylight or in dark.

_____ _____ _____

I Resign.

I, Jason Kris R. Kanindot, do hereby resign as staff member of the City Women's Affairs Desk effective 01 May 2007.

Yup, I did. =) 2 years & 5 Months after. Thank you everyone.

Confession : Farewell...Hello...

I really wish I could have lasted a little bit longer..

A handful of months. That was all, just enough to tie up loose ends, see some sights, shy kisses, last goodbyes.

But as I told a friend yesterday, it happens that there are simple things that we really desire, that would make us happy, and yet these desires will be denied, no matter how much we would want them to be true. In some ways, the act of wanting it to be true fuels the denial.

December 2004. I made a vow that I would offer at least 2 but not more than 3 years of my life to the cause of those whom I love the most. A month shy of hitting the 50/50 mark. Not bad I suppose.

Still, there it is, that lingering feeling, of my desire, to have lasted a little bit more.

But then, it doesn’t matter anymore what I desire.

I do believe there are at least two women in this world who would be happy to know that finally, I am falling. For the two of you, and the rest of your kind should there be others, I have this to say: “fuck you, and yup, the fuck was that good, and thank you.”

For my friends, I must confess that I am not doing as well as all of you might hope, but hey, its me ok? And though I am godless, I am thankful for your prayers.

Things that live die. We all know that.

The sun has fallen. But in this darkness where I am now, I know, as you know, that the sun will rise again.

Farewell.

Hello.

Confessions : It was not Change...

it has been spinning and spinning inside of my head and so i decide to write it down, to send it out of orbit.

the thing is this, a lot of people, almost everyone is familiar with the so called "great" things that comes with change. "great", in the loose sense of the word, for greatness of things does not always mean happy things. Everyone i know, and even those i don't agree to this. I do. change is indeed that, and so much more.

but what got me thinking was that for all the things that change can bring, nobody remembers or does go at some length to mention what made the CHANGE possible.

Knowledge. Knowing. Knowledge.

Yes, it is that simple yet very essential aspect. a simple word. and yet what a hell it brings.

and as for the power of those things that you have no knowledge of..well..i will write about it next time.

Confessions : I Will Not Miss This!

Its gonna be my birthday, and since i already gave two birthdays to this city whom i have learned to love (though this city is till to love me, as for the scarcity of her daughters to show token of appreciation of my hard work (yeah, its really hard work pirating animes, mp3, and various softwares after and even during office hours.)

Its my birthday, and what better way (one among many, i should say) of spending it than being in the exhibit of four glorious women, the women of the Jumalons.

I have, and will always have fond memories for this family whom i consider the last Art Family in dear beloved Zamboanga. i miss being in their house that speaks nothing but art that is their life. They even invited me to paint my poetry (but i am a total failure with pens and brushes, i should admit). Long talks. Good Music. Cold Beer. Hazy smoke. The scene from the kitchen, with a small stream and the rice field...i miss them.

That is why, i am not going to miss this. Honest!

just my new album list...

the government does not pay enough.

but then, i chose this job coz i loved it, and at the same time it gave me the opportunity to prove to myself that what i wrote, what i spoke, that all of my poetry and ideas are not merely as they are, but i am able and willing to, as they say in the old days (yeah, my kind of days...) put the metal on the pedal...

but i do love government service, even amidst all the dirty things you would encounter....

anyway, this is about my new album list. courtesy of government resources...

to all my friends...if there is something that you like... who knows...i might just..no, as Linus Torvald once said "Software is like sex, its better when its free." and though i understand fellow artists need the buck, i also need the sound.

will post other albums when they come. any request? drop me a msg on the msg box or email me - damonsteine@yahoo.com or damonsteine@gmail.com


ani di franco extra
Ani DiFranco - 1992 - Imperfectly
Ani DiFranco - 1994 - Out Of Range
Ani DiFranco - 1996 - Dilate
Ani DiFranco - 1997 - Living in Clip
Ani DiFranco - 1998 - Little Plastic Castle
Ani DiFranco - 2003 - Evolve
Ani DiFranco - 2004 - Educated Guess
Ani DiFranco - Like I Said Songs 1990-91
Beck - 2006 - The Information
Billie Holiday - 1942 - Billie's Blues
Billie Holiday - 1958 - Lady In Satin
Billie Holiday - The Legacy 1933-1958 (Disc 1)
Damien Rice - 2003 - O
Desden Dolls - 2004 - Dresden Dolls
Dresden Dolls - 2006 - Yes Virginia
Dresden Dolls - live at Lyons 2005
Ella Fitzgerald - Love Songs
Joni Mitchell - 2005 - Songs Of A Prairie Girl
Kings Of Leon - 2007 -Because Of The Times
Led Zeppelin - 1969 - I
Led Zeppelin - 1969 - II
Led Zeppelin - 1970 - III
Led Zeppelin - 1971 - IV
Led Zeppelin - 1973 - House of the Holy
Led Zeppelin - 1975 - Physical Graffiti I
Led Zeppelin - 1975 - Physical Graffiti II
Led Zeppelin - 1976 - Presence
Led Zeppelin - 1979 - In Through The Outdoor
Led Zeppelin - 2003 - How The West Was Won I
Led Zeppelin - 2003 - How The West Was Won II
Led Zeppelin - 2003 - How The West Was Won III
Queen Greatest Hits I
Queen Greatest Hits II
Regina Spektor - 2006 - Begin To Hope
REM - 1983 - Murmur
REM - 1984 - Reckoning
REM - 1985 - Fables Of The Reconstruction
REM - 1986 - Lifes Rich Pageant
REM - 1987 - Document
REM - 1988 - Green
REM - 1991 - Out Of Time
REM - 1992 - Automatic For The People
REM - 1994 - Monster
REM - 1996 - New Adventures In Hi-Fi
REM - 1998 - Up
REM - 2001 - Reveal
REM - 2004 - Around The Sun
Rolling Stones - 2002 - Forty Licks I
Rolling Stones - 2002 - Forty Licks II
Sean Lennon - 2006 - Friendly Fire
Sondre Lerche - 2007 - Phantom Punch
Suzanne Vega - 1998 - The Best Of
The Cure - 2001 - Greatest Hits
The Police - 1993 - Message in a Box (The Complete Recordings) I
The Police - 1993 - Message in a Box (The Complete Recording...
The Police - 1993 - Message in a Box (The Complete Recording...
The Police - 1993 - Message in a Box (The Complete Recording...
The Smiths - 1995 - Singles
The Velver Underground - 1986 - Another View
The Velvet Underground - 1969 - The Velvet Underground
The Velvet Underground - 1970 - Loaded
Tracy Chapman - 1988 - Tracy Chapman
Tracy Chapman - 1995 - New Beginning
Tracy Chapman - 2002 - Let It Rain
Vienna Teng - 2006 - Dreaming Through The Noise
Zucchero - 1997 - Greatest Hits
Zucchero - 2002 - Shake
Zucchero & Company


billie holiday - billies blues
billie holiday - lady in satin
Billie Holiday - The Legacy 1933-1958 (Disc 1)
Bob Dylan - 1974 - Blood On The Tracks
Bob Dylan - 1994 - MTV Unplugged
Bob Dylan - 2006 - Blues
Bob Dylan - 2006 - Modern Times
Damien Rice - 2002 - O
Damien Rice - 2006 - 9
Fiona_Apple - Live_at_the_Orpheum_11-08-97
Janis Joplin - 1968 - Cheap Thrills
John Lennon - 2005 - Working Class Hero I
John Lennon - 2005 - Working Class Hero II
Johnny Cash - 1994 - American Recordings
Johnny Cash - 2000 - American III - Solitary Man
Johnny Cash - 2002 - American IV - The Man Comes Around
regina spektor - 2006 - mary ann meets the gray diggers and ...
Zucchero - 1999 - Overdose d'Amore (The Ballads)


------------------

MISC Albums

Arcade Fire - 2007 - Neon Bible
Audioslave - 2002 - Audioslave
Black Crowes - 1990 - Shake Your Moneymaker
Coal Chamber - 1997 - Coal Chamber
Coal Chamber - 2002 - Dark Days
Coal Chamber - 2003 - Giving the Devil
Crazy Town - 1999 - The Gift of Game
Dave Matthews - 1996 - Crash
Dave Matthews - 1998 - Before These Crowded Streets
Devil Driver - 2003 - Devil Driver
Devil Driver - 2005 - The Fury of Our Maker's Hand
Disturbed - 2000 - The Sickness
Disturbed - 2002 - Believe
Disturbed - 2005 - Ten Thousand Fists
Fall Out Boy - 2005 - From Under The Cork Tree
Fall Out Boy - 2007 - Infinity on High
Fear Factory - 2001 - Digimortal
Guns N' Roses - 1987 - Appetite for Destruction
Guns N' Roses - 1988 - Lies
Guns N' Roses - 1991 - Use Your Illusion I
Guns N' Roses - 1991 - Use Your Illusion II
Guns N' Roses - 1993 - The Spaghetti Incident
Incubus - 1995 - Fungus Amongus
Incubus - 1997 - S.C.I.E.N.C.E
Incubus - 1999 - Make Yourself
Incubus - 2001 - Morning View
Joe Satriani - 1986 - Not of This Earth
Joe Satriani - 1987 - Surfing with The Alien
Joe Satriani - 1988 - Dreaming #11
Joe Satriani - 1989 - Flying in a Blue Dream
Joe Satriani - 1992 - The Extremist
Joe Satriani - 1993 - Time Machine studio cd
Joe Satriani - 1998 - Crystal Planet
Joe Satriani - 2002 - Strange Beautiful Music
Joe Satriani - time machine live cd
John5 - 2005 - Songs for Sanity
Metallica - 1983 - Kill 'Em All
Metallica - 1984 - Ride The Lightning
Metallica - 1986 - Master of Puppets
Metallica - 1988 - ..And Justice for All
Metallica - 1991 - Metallica
Metallica - 1996 - Load
Metallica - 1998 - Garage Inc. I
Metallica - 1998 - Garage Inc. II
Metallica - 2003 - St. Anger
Mudvayne - 2000 - L.D. 5.0
Mudvayne - 2001 - The Beginning of All Things to End
Mudvayne - 2002 - The End of All Things to Come
Mudvayne - 2005 - Lost and Found
NIN - 2007 - Year Zero
No Doubt - 1995 - Tragic Kingdom
Resident Evil - 2002 - Original Soundtrack
Resident Evil - 2004 - Apocalypse OST
Sevendust - 2007 - Alpha
Snot - 1997 - Get Some
Tool - 1991 - ToolShed (demo)
Tool - 1992 - Opiate
Tool - 1993 - Undertow
Tool - 1996 - Aenima
Tool - 2000 - Salival
Tool - 2001 - Lateralus
Tool - 2006 - 10000 days
ZZ Top - 1992 - Greatest Hits


Aerosmith - Get a Grip
Billy Joel - 2001 - The Essential Billy Joel I
Billy Joel - 2001 - The Essential Billy Joel II
Dashboard Confessional - 2001 - The Places You Have Come to ...
Dashboard Confessional - 2002 - MTV Unplugged
Dashboard Confessional - 2003 - A Mark, a Mission, a Brand, ...
Dashboard Confessional - 2003 - Swiss Army Romance [Bonus Tr...
Garbage - 1995 - Garbage
Garbage - 1998 - Garbage Ver. 2.0
Garbage - 2001 - Beautiful Garbage
Garbage - Rare Tracks
Hawthorne Heights - 2006 - If Only You Were Lonely Version A
Incubus - S.C.I.E.N.C.E
Metallica - 1997 - Reload
Metallica - 1999 - Remixes
Metallica - 1999 - S&M I
Metallica - 1999 - S&M II
My Chemical Romance - 2004 - Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge
My Chemical Romance - 2006 - The Black Parade
Pearl Jam - 1991 - Ten
Red Hot Chili Peppers - Greatest Hits
Soundgarden - 1991 - Badmotorfinger
The Killers - 2004 - Hot Fuss
The Killers - 2006 - Sam's Town


12 Stones - 12 Stones
300 - Tyler Bates
311 - GH 93 - 03
Audioslave - 2005 - In Exile
Blue October - 2006 - Foiled
Bob Dylan - 1993 - World Gone Wrong
Chris Cornell - 1999 - Euphoria Morning
Coal Chamber - 2004 - The Best of
Cranberries - The Best
Deftones - 2003 - Deftones
Dire Straits - 1979 - Communique
Dire Straits - 1988 - Money For Nothing
evansecence - fallen
Final Fantasy VIII Piano Collection
Ill Niño - 2001 - Revolution Revolucion
Ill Niño - 2003 - Confession
Ill Niño - 2005 - One Nation Underground
Incubus - 2006 - Light Grenades
inxs - switch
J-Pop
James Blunt - 2005 - Back to Bedlam
janis joplin anthology cd1
janis joplin anthology cd2
Joe Satriani - 1995 - Joe Satriani
Korn - Unplugged
led zeppelin - I
Linkin_Park_-_Minutes_to_Midnight-2007
lynyrd skynyrd
Mansun - 1997 - Attack of The Grey Lantern
Matchbox20 - 2000 - Mad Season
NFS Hot Pursuit 2 OST
Panic at the Disco - 2005 - A Fever You Can't Sweat Out
Pink Floyd - 1973 - The Dark Side Of The Moon
Pink Floyd - 1979 - The Wall
Queensryche - 1988 - Operation Mindcrime
Queensryche - 2006 - Operation Mindcrime II
Seether - 2005 - Karma And Effect
Sevendust - Best of
Sneaker Pimps - 1997 - Becoming X
Sneaker Pimps - 2002 - bloodsport
SoundGarden - 1994 - SuperUnknown
spawn
Staind - 2005 - Chapter V
stone sour - 2002 - stone sour
stone sour - 2006 - come what(ever) may
sublime - 1999 - greatest hits
The Crow - 1995 - Original Movie Soundtrack
the fray - 2005 - how to save a life
the offspring - 1994 - smash
thom yorke - 2006 - the eraser
Three Days Grace - 2006 - One X
Tori Amos - 1998 - From the Choirgirl Hotel
Tori Amos - Scarlet's Walk
Tori Amos - Strange Little Girls
Tori Amos - The Beekeeper
Tori Amos - Under the Pink
vertical horizon

A Letter to My Brother

A Letter to My Brother

Lazarusmoth,

It has been quite a while since we last saw each other. If I am not mistaken, it was a few days after your wedding day to sister amijan, the day I had to leave home, your honeymoon somehow grayed by the reason why I made a last call on both of your doorsteps.

And so, allow me to greet you, brother and sister, and of course, little Iel who is not little anymore. As always I greet you with the warmest of blessings, fondest memories, overflowing happiness.

You might be surprised that I am writing this now. I know. If there was something about our brotherhood, it was the almost no need for letters, that amidst the distance and the changing patterns of the clouds in the sky, we may have adapted, but we remained brothers as we always had, even if without a drop of common blood between our veins. I am very grateful for your brotherhood through all these years.

Anyway , you might be wondering as to what prompted me to write you. And so I will tell. I cannot help but remember how you once defined the difference in our poetry, at the same time defining the individual that each of us is. I have to admit, I have proudly called myself “the poet with burning hands” in memory of how you defined that in my poetry, I always had to plunge my hands into the fire, if only to know how the fire feels while you, if my memory serves me well, defined your works as if you are standing a few feet from the fire, not too near and not too far, but enough that by waving your hands, you would feel the heat of the flame, close and distant enough to melt the fangs of coldness. Nobody saw me as how I saw myself then, and for that I will always remain your brother, in sanity or otherwise.

Of yes, the reason why I am writing you this. I am coming to that.

I always knew things would change, but I never knew it would be like this. Or perhaps I did know it could end up like this, only that I did not want to think that I would ever have to undergo and endure such, let me say, drastic changes. And what are these particular changes, you might ask me.

It seems brother, that as planets and constellations follow their orbits, so must it seem with us. As how I see it, today, I have become who you were before, and you have become who I was once then. Allow me to explain. Its not that you are now the one with “burning hands” (I will always claim that title) but it seems that I who have always wanted to be close have learned the lessons that fire indeed can burn not only flesh and bone, but also the soul, even a soul as black and mine. And because of thus, I am now wary of the flames I once loved so much.I remember how defined your poetry, of how you saw the crazy world of entanglements, clinical, distant, and yet look at where you are now, entangled in a way I believe you never you would be.

I remember I made a promise that we would revisit a certain watering hole, even if it turns out to be a garbage dump, to remember how worried we were on that night, the follies of youth and despair, and how everything came out right the next day.

When I made that promise you asked of me, it was in conflict with what was then the theme of my life, which was death. I really do not know if you somehow asked me to make that promise so that I would not go on with my desire for eternal darkness. But whether you did or not, it does not matter. It’s a worthy request, especially that it comes from you brother. And yes, I would keep it.

You were the only person I knew who was comfortable calling me in both my names. And I am grateful for that. I suddenly remember, we also did promise to be each other’s Death Speakers ala Ender, right? And so, telling you about this would help you in your role as my Death Speaker (hehehehe, I am not going to apologize that I cannot be yours!).

And one day, a little kid named Jian might find his way to where you are. I hope that for the questions that he might ask, what I reveal now would help you answer them.

In heaven or hell (of such places really do exist), I remain, and so shall you remain, brothers.

damonsteine

...

I began my discovery of you

When my own traced the uncharted

Landscape of your sad eyes

They were there,

Open like nakedness

Roaming over familiar skies and horizons,

Yet sailing like a little boat

Towards some distant island

As my own eyes once did

The winds & my poor navigation

Brought me to the heart of the harbor

Who bears your form, & your name.

Cradling you

Between the arms of my eyes

I confess to a long hunger

To be cradled by your own

To witness your sad eyes

Smile at me

Smile for me

But your eyes are not mine

And though they are your own

I recognize the name

Of its sadness and hunger

Who would only reveal herself,

Naked as lovers do in the dark

When it has claimed the passion

It chose as its own

I know my eyes:

They will fall to the ground

To a darkness

In the presence

Of your absence

But,

I beg you

Let no more sadness reside

In the country of your eyes

For none will remain in mine.

Not for long, I pray.

In your absence

I only need

To hold heaven between my eyes,

And no matter how different

Our skies would be

I shall offer you a smile,

Knowing you have docked

In the harbor your soul,

Your sad eyes longed for

The memory of you would be

Like a star

While I am out

Here

There

Somewhere

Navigating wind & waters

On my own.

Confessions : Unearthing The Dead II

Confessions : Unearthing The Dead I

Confessions : My Downward Spiral

Confessions : My Downward Spiral

I honestly believe that I am going crazy.

But then, being able to think clearly about it, it would be safe for me to assume that I am still to be completely taken over by simple shapes and forms that have taken grotesque transformations as filtered by my ever eroding mind.

It would be no mistake that I be called selfish. I am, especially when it comes to the person who matters the most to me, whose existence I would like to ensure at the beginning of each day and at the end of each night: my own. Selfish perhaps, but then, I always pondered that if I do not have the capability to care for myself, to nurture myself, then how could I be able to do the same when it comes to other people? How could I say I love other people, especially women, if I could not love myself.

That is why, with the recent turmoil of my extended existence, bits and flakes of my personality falling like dandruff on the shoulder clothed in black, I am worried. Very, very much worried.

I have gone though the reasons, the justifications for all that are happening. Taking Responsibility. Yet the specter remains, the sadness, the loneliness, the almost utter helplessness at time grips me unlike any fear I have ever swallowed before. I find it somehow ironic, to understand those that needs to be understood and yet never being able to get away from the baggage that it brings.

I know, with certainty that this is inevitable. All I could do right now is slow things down, plug some leaks here and there to extend the inevitable breaking of the dam, so to speak. I cannot go yet, not at least with Project Life almost halfway within my reach.

Being here in Iligan for the past 2 years has been a great extension for me, a change of perspective. But as all things go, I knew there was a price to pay for this happiness, for the soft and silent moments when I could be my former self. I was afraid that the very things I got would be the very price I have to pay, and as it stands now, I am correct. I am to lose all that I have gained.

Still, it was a worthy trade.

I miss home. It dawned on me that for the love that I have for my Mother City, I might have started Project Life on some distant island, among strangers, but I believe that it is only fitting that I finish it where it all began.

I will be home. It’s just a matter of time.