A Letter To Khayte

Khayte,

I am thankful for the message you sent me, considering that the presence of such short but priceless words signify that you have chosen to remain in the realm that most people call the world. I miss you sister, and I would have to apologize for not being able to share a cup of coffee with you though I did extend my stay in our lovely city. In the future, I would do so.

Thank you for the concern that you have shown for my welfare. As always, things could be better, but then as we both know things could get worst. Life goes on, the world is still spinning and all that other stuff that I could say and yet these and other words could never be enough, and so let us leave it like that. I am still here, and that is what is important.

I have never forgotten that on those days when my darkness shone the like stars, among all those who were angry at my betrayal of my own beliefs, you were the only one who promised me that you would understand.

You are right sister, that with the coming end of things for me, my planned moves might seem a little bit harsh, masochistic in some way. The beginning that I do intend to take part of once the end comes is not an easy one, and I apologize if this revelation causes you to worry. But there is indeed a very good reason for my decision.

It is true, that I would be coming back to the place that haunted me, that nearly drove me pitiful, resigned. But I have survived among those ruins, and before they were turned into ruins and became the kingdom for terrifying ghosts, it was nevertheless the garden where I as a child had so many fond memories. I grew up there. Through all my travels, I have learned to love that city like no other, a love that I hope my adopted father would be proud of.

But sister, the truth is, where I am now is like the place I once ran away from. Yes, this city that I have learned to love, where I found reasons to smile and sleep like a newborn has been, with a small help from my own hands, turned into ruins and haunts for new ghosts.

It is not that I am running away, something I have to admit I am good at. But for the Life Project that is my life, this is not the place it deserves. I admit it all began in this city, but it does not have to end here. I still believe, with all my shortcomings, that there is only one city that is good enough and who deserves to see me toil, whose laughter and cries I would endure and listen to. The same city that taught me about life, and if so be it, would also teach me the final lessons of death and dying in its many splendors.

I am alive sister! And you know that until I die, I will endure.

Hope to see your true smile when we see each other again.

For the love of light and dark, I remain, your most grateful and crazy brother.

Jason

for now...but not for long...

i could say that as much as it was sad to leave home, I also did miss the office and the work. I gave my “baby” the attention she deserves (updates for the various softwares, yup, “baby” is the nth pc to be called that), then plunged into the little pool of work that waited for me. And after office hours, work still went on…

…60+ updated anime episodes after, I am indeed back.

And since I am already here and far from the confines of the “farm” that I call proudly call home, I realize I better get out of the comfort zone that I have been in for nearly a month.

It’s good to be back, considering that I do love my work. (I know I have said this before, and there it is again, and I will say it again sometime in the future.) New year ahead, new start to old work left from last year. I am not a big fan of the new year/new stuff idea, but as a part of society (what part I honestly am not sure) I do blend in with the climate changes. Things were looking good. And then it happened. And things are still looking good. What the?!

It was only mentioned by my boss that she plans to retire in a month or two. Or make that three.

For the sake of simplicity, I have always classified the loyalty of one who works under three categries: 1. for the money; 2. for the cause; and 3. for the boss. I consider myself lucky that I got 2 out of 3 right on the spot (though I would welcome a perfect score, if only so that I can afford to buy my desired new phone or most importantly, to allow me to self-publish my first book in time (hint! Hint! Hint! to all my would be patrons!!!))

I’m back, for now. But then, it seems that it won’t be for long.

Of course, there are still some unfinished business when it comes to the purpose of this office I also call home, the very same reason that I always tell my friends who are wondering why I’m slaving myself in this office (it’s odd though that since they are my friends, they should know why I am doing it!) my loyalty is for sale, but it doesn’t mean you can just buy it. I promised myself that I would serve the cause for at least 2 years, a max of 3, and since I believe that promises are meant to be kept (amidst all the promises that I have broken) I am proud that I am on the right path. Of course, after its done, I might just take the offers and invitations. Admittedly there are many these days and I am hopeful that when the time comes, a few good ones would still be there, waiting for me.

I am here now, writing this while on overtime (too many animes to download, so little time and diskspace…), but if things go as how they are planned, I wont be for too long.

I was never morbid about dying, amidst the crazy years that I spent on trying to figure how to do just that. But I am hopeful that since there is still time, I can still fight for this fight that seems to be so far off from being won but definitely worth fighting for. I am hopeful for things to find their broken parts, beginnings to fins their end and for endings to spawn new beginnings while there is still time.

Ok, download queue is set, im outta here.