Dumb Wishes

sometimes, i do have dumb wishes...

like with the recent fiasco of my love, i wish for something that is so unlike who i am.
i wish i could be just like ordinary guys, the kind of guys most women hate.

i wish i could look back at what we had and be happy for the things that i got. it had so many things one could be happy about, the passion, the intimacy, of the so many ways love was made and remade all over again, discovering version after version...

i wish that i could look back and tell my self that i should be happy that even if only for nearly a year, we had love, we discovered love, we renamed love, we made love...

but why cant i?

why is it that what actually kills me is that she is absent in my life?

why does it hurt?

there's a part of me that is telling me that its only a matter of time before i could look back on those memories and accept them as how i did with all the other love affairs that ended. there have been a few, and yes, when i look back at those that came before her, i feel ok.

perhaps im just being so mushy about this recent ending. and yet i feel with a deep certainty that this is something that is going to haunt me for the rest of my life.

still sometimes, i wish i could be like the rest of my kind. and yet if i were, then she would not have arrived in the first place. still, now that she has left, what else is there to do?

perhaps when the new day arrives, i would be ok.

perhaps.