8 for Infinity... (it's never too early...)

I have always believed, at least, in the duality of things in this world, of mirrors casting reflections, shapes with their shadows, in the eternal dance of darkness and light.

In the rivalry and friendship between joy and sadness.

You have to know that this is who and what I am, that as much as I try to be the embodiment of smiles and laughter, I cannot deny the frowns, the sobs and tears that perhaps in years to come will prove to contain trace evidence of my name, of my shame.

But everybody knows this, or at least those who care enough to know and carry the burden of knowing and living with it. Someday, you can ask my young brothers and sisters, my kindred beyond blood. But this is not about who I am. Not really.

More like where I am, where I have been for the last 8 years.

And to discover that the duality of things can exist in perfect unison. I should have expected this. I have. I should have known this. I have. But I guess I tried to put it off. Knowing and acceptance are two very different thing. It is one thing to know, but it is another to accept. And you can only accept something if its there, as they say, right on your lap.

Or in my case, somewhere deep beyond mere bone and flesh.

And that you would be the avatar of my sadness and my despair, of my happiness and my hope.

One of my sisters, Lala, commented a few days ago that I looked, I forgot the exact word, but something in the realm of being in bloom, as if I was a flower, fresh, alive. And it hit me, have I become that good in wearing my favorite mask, a mask that I have to admit with some pride that is real enough to dissuade even those who remain that love me from unmasking the truth?

For far beneath the mask and shell of flesh I wear as my form who have to endure the dance of night and day, inside of me there is no night and day. Well, not the night and day that we know of who chase each other on and on. Inside of me is half night and half day. At the same time. A perfect circle in half.

Because of you I smile my true smile, only for you. My former lovers would envy you.

Because of you I discover that even without sound, I could cry in a way that even angels would cease the movements of their wings, and be still, because even angels could do nothing for me. A cry that my former lovers, or even those who remain who love me, including my kindred beyond blood would not hate you nor be angry at you, but who would instead, love you even more for it.

I have to confess, in the years that have passed and of who you have become for me, I feel that with every passing moment I am losing you in ways that tells me I can never have you again. As if I ever had you in the first place.

But it would be beautiful if some wish could be granted:

I wish I could be someone like your brother.

Or perhaps someone like your friend, like your best friend.

Even just being your friend would be enough, while there is still time to do the things friends do, sharing lives instead of this loneliness where I now reside.

Being your friend would be beautiful beyond words.

Because I don’t see myself ever being your father.

Happy 8th Birthday, my son.

May you be as your name, my Jian.

I remain, your absent, silent and unknown father,

Jason

In the darkness of my soul I shall find the light for your solace. and mine.