the fragments of dreams

i dont know why, but i have been having dreams lately. i know everybody dreams, though most of us barely remember them. and for the past years i have not remembered a dream, which is something quite odd. but then, the past few nights have been something different. recurring dreams. or better yet, call them nightmares. its not that they are the scary or gory kind. its just that they make me remember so many things about my past, about a face i know i will never forget but one i would really like to stay away from my nocturnal journeys.

and it doesn’t help that the last book i read was from connie willis, entitled "lincoln's dreams" (check this one out, its worth your time!) and yeah, by the title itself, it tackles some issues about what dreams are. Freud tried to explain them, though other people think that dreams are worth nothing. but like connie, i do believe dreams are something. its just that i dont know what it really is.

perhaps it could be my hidden desires raging, wanting to come out, or fears in my subconscious, trying to break free. perhaps. i dont really have an idea.

or perhaps a dream, the occurrences of dreams is what every one of us longs for, a secret place. a place where we wish to run to, a place of solitude of some sorts. a place that may be dark and cold, and yet comfortable. a place that may be bright and warm, and yet whose light reveals shapes and colors we are afraid to see.

wish me a good night sleep tonight, and for the other nights ok?

now, about the dreams that i have been having.

there is a woman there. yes, i do know her, i know her as much as a person could possibly know another person. i am familiar with her face, the way she smiles. and yes, she is smiling, no, she is not mocking me, but smiling nevertheless, a smile that you could say is a mask for the desires in her heart that she hides.

though there is no sound there, we are having a conversation. we go places. and then other elements come, elements i dare not mention...

and then i wake up. its not scary i know, but it hurts because those are images of a season now long dead. its only a fucking dream.

but a dream that i would like to become true, even if only for one last time, before i die.