A Letter to My Brother

A Letter to My Brother

Lazarusmoth,

It has been quite a while since we last saw each other. If I am not mistaken, it was a few days after your wedding day to sister amijan, the day I had to leave home, your honeymoon somehow grayed by the reason why I made a last call on both of your doorsteps.

And so, allow me to greet you, brother and sister, and of course, little Iel who is not little anymore. As always I greet you with the warmest of blessings, fondest memories, overflowing happiness.

You might be surprised that I am writing this now. I know. If there was something about our brotherhood, it was the almost no need for letters, that amidst the distance and the changing patterns of the clouds in the sky, we may have adapted, but we remained brothers as we always had, even if without a drop of common blood between our veins. I am very grateful for your brotherhood through all these years.

Anyway , you might be wondering as to what prompted me to write you. And so I will tell. I cannot help but remember how you once defined the difference in our poetry, at the same time defining the individual that each of us is. I have to admit, I have proudly called myself “the poet with burning hands” in memory of how you defined that in my poetry, I always had to plunge my hands into the fire, if only to know how the fire feels while you, if my memory serves me well, defined your works as if you are standing a few feet from the fire, not too near and not too far, but enough that by waving your hands, you would feel the heat of the flame, close and distant enough to melt the fangs of coldness. Nobody saw me as how I saw myself then, and for that I will always remain your brother, in sanity or otherwise.

Of yes, the reason why I am writing you this. I am coming to that.

I always knew things would change, but I never knew it would be like this. Or perhaps I did know it could end up like this, only that I did not want to think that I would ever have to undergo and endure such, let me say, drastic changes. And what are these particular changes, you might ask me.

It seems brother, that as planets and constellations follow their orbits, so must it seem with us. As how I see it, today, I have become who you were before, and you have become who I was once then. Allow me to explain. Its not that you are now the one with “burning hands” (I will always claim that title) but it seems that I who have always wanted to be close have learned the lessons that fire indeed can burn not only flesh and bone, but also the soul, even a soul as black and mine. And because of thus, I am now wary of the flames I once loved so much.I remember how defined your poetry, of how you saw the crazy world of entanglements, clinical, distant, and yet look at where you are now, entangled in a way I believe you never you would be.

I remember I made a promise that we would revisit a certain watering hole, even if it turns out to be a garbage dump, to remember how worried we were on that night, the follies of youth and despair, and how everything came out right the next day.

When I made that promise you asked of me, it was in conflict with what was then the theme of my life, which was death. I really do not know if you somehow asked me to make that promise so that I would not go on with my desire for eternal darkness. But whether you did or not, it does not matter. It’s a worthy request, especially that it comes from you brother. And yes, I would keep it.

You were the only person I knew who was comfortable calling me in both my names. And I am grateful for that. I suddenly remember, we also did promise to be each other’s Death Speakers ala Ender, right? And so, telling you about this would help you in your role as my Death Speaker (hehehehe, I am not going to apologize that I cannot be yours!).

And one day, a little kid named Jian might find his way to where you are. I hope that for the questions that he might ask, what I reveal now would help you answer them.

In heaven or hell (of such places really do exist), I remain, and so shall you remain, brothers.

damonsteine