Confessions : My Downward Spiral

Confessions : My Downward Spiral

I honestly believe that I am going crazy.

But then, being able to think clearly about it, it would be safe for me to assume that I am still to be completely taken over by simple shapes and forms that have taken grotesque transformations as filtered by my ever eroding mind.

It would be no mistake that I be called selfish. I am, especially when it comes to the person who matters the most to me, whose existence I would like to ensure at the beginning of each day and at the end of each night: my own. Selfish perhaps, but then, I always pondered that if I do not have the capability to care for myself, to nurture myself, then how could I be able to do the same when it comes to other people? How could I say I love other people, especially women, if I could not love myself.

That is why, with the recent turmoil of my extended existence, bits and flakes of my personality falling like dandruff on the shoulder clothed in black, I am worried. Very, very much worried.

I have gone though the reasons, the justifications for all that are happening. Taking Responsibility. Yet the specter remains, the sadness, the loneliness, the almost utter helplessness at time grips me unlike any fear I have ever swallowed before. I find it somehow ironic, to understand those that needs to be understood and yet never being able to get away from the baggage that it brings.

I know, with certainty that this is inevitable. All I could do right now is slow things down, plug some leaks here and there to extend the inevitable breaking of the dam, so to speak. I cannot go yet, not at least with Project Life almost halfway within my reach.

Being here in Iligan for the past 2 years has been a great extension for me, a change of perspective. But as all things go, I knew there was a price to pay for this happiness, for the soft and silent moments when I could be my former self. I was afraid that the very things I got would be the very price I have to pay, and as it stands now, I am correct. I am to lose all that I have gained.

Still, it was a worthy trade.

I miss home. It dawned on me that for the love that I have for my Mother City, I might have started Project Life on some distant island, among strangers, but I believe that it is only fitting that I finish it where it all began.

I will be home. It’s just a matter of time.