Epilogue : It All Boils Down to...

...Good Fuck.

yes, as what the title say, this will be it.

being lucky, and with the responsibility of keeping relationships alive of almost all kinds have taught me to value them well. being human, i have had a few mishaps, few, but not insignificant.

and perhaps it is for that reason, for the memory of the joys of having a relationship, that deaths hurt me the most. i have not been able to turn the other way and walk whenever things end, especially with ties. just as my brother once said about the difference in our poetry, i do have to put my hands inside the flame and get burned.

anyway, i had a conversation with a friend from far away that comes to my mind. since the distance makes things difficult, she asked for the recent events that has happened in my life, and as how conversations go, it walked by the path of how the recent affair ended.

of all of my past relationships, the last one takes the crown for being the bloodiest, the cruelest, most destructive. for those who know my (bad) writing habits, something crazy like this happening is like a piece of cake, like a nuclear reactor for my poetry writing, right? WRONG! it made me unable to write, and for someone who has always been proud of writing not from inspiration but from desperation, who reaches out for pen and paper for his stains to be imprinted because that is all that he can do, i was lost. and the few pieces that i was able to let out i set free into the land of forgotten and useless things, the garbage bin.

and still, for someone who has also been proud to be an avid student of life (ha! just like my father!) such an experience is one that i will always treasure, though in no way would i want to experience it again. it taught me a lot.

anyway, to the meat of this epilogue. yes, the last one demanded so high a price. my absence. i do believe that if only the memory gun existed (like as how ray bradbury wrote about it) she would go for selective surgery to erase bits of me lodge in her memories as well as patch up some warning programs against intrusions from me in any way whatsoever. but hey, that is what she wants, so let her.

and since its over, i have thought about what it all boils down to, to who or what i would be remembered. and the answer is Good Sex. A Good FUCK. no, make that a lot of good fucks. Mind blowing, super multiple orgasmic, please-please-stop-youre-driving-me-crazy kind of fuck. the kind of fuck a lot of women wished for in their first time and end up searching for it for the rest of their life. The kind of fuck that makes them realize that if they thought what they read on all those historical novels were hot, those were nothing like the real good thing. the kind of fuck that makes you wish your period would end soon, or "what the hell, whats with a little blood anyway, lets go and fuck" kind of fuck. the kind of fuck that makes you a liar,where you profess all the sweet nothings in this world, saying i love you and what else just to be able to say something from all sensations. it is that kind of fuck, and so much more.

of course, my friend tried to make me happy by commenting that at least i got some action before the curtain fell. well, i would be lying if i say i didnt enjoy it. i did. but i am happy about it because it was not just any fuck. it was not jus sex to me. it was making love. yeah, sounds corny, but that is why it was so good. because it was so true, and so pure.

but that was then.

and since things have changed, it must have been a good lay but why do i feel like a stud. that for the things that i should be remembered for (admittedly i have a few remaining good qualitiesin me) why does it have to be only that. the first one. the first good one. the unforgettable first fuck, and the others that came after it.

thats what my friend also said, that i would be unforgettable, that that is something that cannot be changed by any force, by any hate, by any regret.

the first one.

well, if that is how the story has to end, then so be it.

hmmm, its also possible i could be the last. but hey, that is what it all boils down to. and it leaves me simmering. aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!