Confessions : "It is The Mystery That Lingers, and Not the Explanation."

hello.

i did promise i was gonna write something about the things that leads to changes. last time, it was about knowledge, about knowing things and the changes that it brings.

on the other hand, there is its lover, its twin, its partner in the great dance that is living and dying: not knowing.

because indeed, in our lives, there are events that take hold of us, not because of what we know, of what we have felt, of what we have endured, of memories that we can smell and taste and feel.

Indeed, it is the mystery that lingers, and not the explanation.

Somehow, these mysteries that defy our attempts to uncover leads us to a sense of something that is lacking. in my life, i have realized early on that as much as knowing can be painful, so it is with not knowing.

there is this old saying about "the things that we do not know about could not hurt us". bah, if only this could be true. like all smart quips, this admittedly holds a modicum of truth, for it would not have survived otherwise. Still, only that, a fragment, depends on the weather, so they say. but as we all know by now, there are some things that we do not know that hurt us unlike any other.

i am leaving, and for the past 2 years of this fruitful life, it has come to an end. well, soon it will anyway. the seasons have lived and died, and soon so will i be of the past, of the things that could not last. i have a many questions, some with answers, many without.

i have to admit that for these things that i desire to uncover (which at some point i believe becomes so much more elusive for they are fueled by the same force as my desire to uncover them) and though i know i could hope for chance and time to allow me the grace to find them, i am also realistic that may of them would not be so.

funny, that is only i did not know where to find the answers to these mysteries that possess me. but then, as much as i can try to ask, i could also be denied.

Denied as i have been, denied as i am now, denied as i will be.

It is the mystery that lingers, and not the explanation...

and so i would leave this city, and everything i know and do not know of it. i leave with these mysteries that are all mine to keep until memory fails me but never ever mine to uncover.

Perhaps, like gifts that come in different packages, and in varied forms, these mysteries are the gifts that is given to me.

And so, i will go, here, there, anywhere..

However. Whatever.