Confession : Confessions

i have to admit, i feel at ease, without worries of giving my best and worse to my job.

no more early morning wakeup calls...no more time in/out...no more deadlines...

i sleep late..i wake up late...

still, i have to admit, what i have now are just mere weeks..about 3 more weeks to go before this piece of heaven is to be traded for something so much like hell.

as much as i am at ease..i am also a little bit eager, though i do hold myself back...for the very thought of plunging into the project seems to burn me up, seems to make time go so fast..feels like its eating up what years i have left. at least, i am going there, into the frame where i have run away from...

i also have to admit, that i am afraid.

afraid that i wont endure it. that i would lose myself. that i would lose everything.

funny, that i have almost lost everything. i tell myself, that leaving this city is not that bad, considering it never loved me anyway. and aside from friends, no one here got close enough to feel my absence. which i suppose is my fault, keeping myself and my armor always in place. which i also suppose is a good thing, for it means i do not have to add another name on the long list that i remind myself of every night, before i close my eyes...

..the names and faces flow like a lullaby...

i have to admit, i will somehow miss this city.

i will miss Cagayan de Oro, if not for the ghost of memories that wait for me there, then for the books that i found on second-hand stores at bargain prices. who knows, one last raid might prove essential for the library back home. i will miss the park, the long jeepney rides, the fried chickens..

i will miss her smile, her voice, as i have always had...

i have to admit, that there are a lot of things i do not know about. things i would like to know before i go.

but i know.