Confessions : Surprise Me

Confessions : Surprise Me

I have to admit, that is there is anything that is worth enduring in this crazy world, it is the possibility of things to happen. Perhaps, this is the reason why those who are in despair that they have not only thought about dying but made plan and detailed preparations for it (guess where im pointing my finger?!) stay on their feet, waiting, wandering, wondering. Perhaps it is my reason too, though I know enough of myself and a little understanding about how the world works to allow a small space in case I might be mistaken. Still, knowing that even the most extensive mapping of possibilities can still fall short where it matters the most, one cannot help, well, I cannot help but stare into the dark sky, coffee on one hand and reds on the other, far-away eyes with a smirk of surprise on my face.

[start of side note] for most of my life I have heard of so called “players”, those who, well, as their labels suggest, play around with lots of things, though I should mention that this label gained notoriety when it comes to playing the field of human emotions and desires. I admit that when I was a kid, I was in awe of these players, and I wanted to be one of them, Good thing is that I realized how shallow that was amidst the thrill involved. And so I decided that I was gonna do things better than players, and so I decided that instead, I would be, for lack of a better term, a Game Master. Unlike players who would play to win, I would create to play, for other people to play, for me myself to play. If winning matters the most with players, for me it was the availability of a game after one has ended. (ok ok, I know I am being conceited here and evil and all that bad stuff, but hey, this is me!) [end of side note]

With things playing out and coming far from my projections and personal rationalization of events, I can say with all honesty that I am a player in someone else’s game. God, in my book, was, is, and will always be the top GM around anyway. Still, im smiling, =) see!

And as much as life is something worth living for because of these surprises, I should mention that I also give credit to the ability of mortals such as you and I to endure every brand of pain, designer or otherwise, and be able to stand up and smile after everything that has happened. Personally, a few years back I was in the most shitty of my self: friends started accusing me of betraying the very things I stood, fought, and bled for (and they were all correct in that), the days that were still to be born were so dark for me and ironically, the only way I figured out to escape it was to go into a darkness unknown by mortal minds, well, at least by the living that is, and that darkness was no other than the eternal darkness of death. I was not suicidal, nor was I crazy for I was sane enough to come up with the best possible painless way to do it. And yeah, it gave me a lesson I would never forget: I always believed, as most people do, that when a person talk about dying, they do not actually mean it, that the very act of talking about doing it was an indication that they really wanted to be alive. Perhaps this holds true to some, but for myself, it was different. I meant it. And I wanted it. But there was a problem, a very big problem:

I endured and survived my own version of hell. Just as how my friends believed I would fare, considering that I have survived other torments that they say they would not have done so quite easily (of course, its possible my friends were just trying to beef me up, but it leaves a strange flat taste on my mouth that most of my friends believe that I could survive any force of humanity-induced torment. Hey, im just human, in case they forgot that. )

I endured. And funny that of all the things that hurt me most (needles knives fist and foot nor creepy insects don’t scare me by the way) I never expected, or perhaps I did and did not want to dwell on it, that it would be simple betrayal and abandonment.

From the perspective of serious personal relationships with the women I adore and love, let me count the times they did that to me (and yeah, when I say “serious”, it means I can still count it without using my toes =)..lets see…ALL OF THEM. You heard me right. (of course, its possible that I am the one to blame for this, that all of them were actually correct and would be even granted special privileges by their god for doing such a despicable thing to me, and if so I then offer a finger for their gods, or of course, I could be wrong, thereby making me right, thereby making them all wrong, but that’s not really the point here….and the point is…)

I endured. And I should, I owe it to myself for doing so. What kind of person would I be to let other people kill me anyway, I would rather do it for my own reasons.

To sum it up, things happen as the planet revolves and the universe goes on expanding (I hope) and things, new things happen. And I would never know the next chapter unless I am there to experience it.

Currently, I am watching DeathNote. Its an anime about this guy who founds a notebook, Death Note, that even contains specific instructions on how to use the notebook (the instruction in English, because according to the Shinigami or Death God, who happens to speak fluent Japanese, he chose that language because it was the most common of all). I highly recommend the series, and yeah, there is a Live Action Movie available, though I am still to watch the 2^nd part. Anyway, there is a teaser line there from one of the characters, about Death Gods eating only apples…

…in my case, I prefer strawberries. Wait. I prefer mei strawberry.

p.s. gotta go sago, a lot of vaginas are currently out there waiting for me. OOOpsss, gotcha! I am, for the record, the organizer for The Vagina Monologues in Iligan this year. 1 + 1 = 2 or 10. =)